Carabao: Good for what ails you

I’ve never been a big consumer of energy drinks. Regular ol’ pop has enough caffeine for me, thanks. But how could I say no to a bottle of Carabao? I mean, it’s got a freaking skull on the label. Plus, there’s a red bird, possibly a phoenix, emblazoned on the skull’s forehead. The obvious subtext here is that Carabao will give you enough energy to master death itself. How could I resist?

The Experience

I cracked open the bottle and drank the entire thing before I got to work. It was only a 5.7 ounces, plus the brown glass bottle made it look like something I shouldn’t be drinking on the job. Carabao looks like cough syrup. It tastes like cough syrup. And after I drank it, my nose stopped running. I actually had to check out the ingredients to see if it contained NyQuil. I didn’t find anything from Vicks, but did stumble on something called Nicotinamide, which is used in various medicines. It also sounds suspiciously like nicotine. Perhaps that’s why the label says children and breastfeeding mothers should steer clear of Carabao.

The Verdict

Carabao tastes pretty good, if your favorite beverage manufacturer is Vicks. As far as the energy content is concerned, give this to corpse and it’ll have the strength to dig its way out of its grave. It’s not quite awesome enough that I’ll become a regular energy drink drinker, but it didn’t turn me off, either. So if you’re looking for a morning jolt and don’t much care about taste, or you just want to start a zombie apocalypse, Carabao is probably the drink for you. 7 out of 10

Second opinion via Screaming Energy.

Diet Pepsi Max

Ginseng! More Caffeine! Max! The folks who cooked up Diet Pepsi Max would have you believe it packs so much punch, Coca-Cola will have to reinsert cocaine into its secret recipe to keep up. With its alleged extra juice and lack of teeth-destroying sugar, I decided to give it a shot. Here are my thoughts on the total soda experience, which includes…

The Hype

First off, I love the Pepsi Max TV spots where the Dallas Cowboys’ groggy offensive coordinator botches the play call. The ensuing confusion allows the New York Football Giants to crush QB Tony Romo, just like Jessica Simpson will break his tender heart when she ditches him after the Cowboys get knocked out of the playoffs.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is either a really good sport, or is totally cool with the public perceiving him as a meddling jerk. He swipes the hapless play-caller’s headset in exchange for twenty ounces of Pepsi’s newest concoction, which they’ll have you believe will give you the energy needed to coach Tony Romo through his impending playoff choke job. Once I saw that, I was hooked.

The Effect

I signed up for an 8 a.m. class. As on all college campuses, finding a parking spot is like looking for a five-leaf clover in the desert, so I had to get up early to take the bus. If that situation doesn’t call for extra caffeine, nothing does.

The font on the label looks kinda like the THX sound demo. I really noticed this when, after about twenty minutes, all that ginseng and caffeine made a similar whooshing noise in my skull.

The soda did its job. I wasn’t just awake. I was so keyed up the molecules in my body almost vibrate fast enough form me to walk through walls. Or just smash through them. Seriously, the entire class all I could think was, Why am I sitting here when I could be out there fighting crime?!?

The Taste

The fact that I’ve prattled on for five paragraphs about everything from TV commercials to believing I was the Incredible Hulk without once mentioning the flavor should tell you all you need to know. Diet Pepsi Max doesn’t taste bad. But if I was just worried about taste I could get the same thing from Diet Harris Teeter. And that’s two liter’s worth for eighty-nine cents, no less.

The Verdict

On a scale where Coca-Cola is a 10 and Diet Coke is a 1, I’d give Diet Pepsi Max a 6. The taste deserves only a 5, but in the end I bumped it up. It’s not every drink that gives me the strength to lift a Hyundai Accent over my head.