Carabao: Good for what ails you

I’ve never been a big consumer of energy drinks. Regular ol’ pop has enough caffeine for me, thanks. But how could I say no to a bottle of Carabao? I mean, it’s got a freaking skull on the label. Plus, there’s a red bird, possibly a phoenix, emblazoned on the skull’s forehead. The obvious subtext here is that Carabao will give you enough energy to master death itself. How could I resist?

The Experience

I cracked open the bottle and drank the entire thing before I got to work. It was only a 5.7 ounces, plus the brown glass bottle made it look like something I shouldn’t be drinking on the job. Carabao looks like cough syrup. It tastes like cough syrup. And after I drank it, my nose stopped running. I actually had to check out the ingredients to see if it contained NyQuil. I didn’t find anything from Vicks, but did stumble on something called Nicotinamide, which is used in various medicines. It also sounds suspiciously like nicotine. Perhaps that’s why the label says children and breastfeeding mothers should steer clear of Carabao.

The Verdict

Carabao tastes pretty good, if your favorite beverage manufacturer is Vicks. As far as the energy content is concerned, give this to corpse and it’ll have the strength to dig its way out of its grave. It’s not quite awesome enough that I’ll become a regular energy drink drinker, but it didn’t turn me off, either. So if you’re looking for a morning jolt and don’t much care about taste, or you just want to start a zombie apocalypse, Carabao is probably the drink for you. 7 out of 10

Second opinion via Screaming Energy.

No sir, I don’t lychee it: Yeo’s Lychee Drink

Yeo’s Lychee Drink. Note that it’s not soda. It’s not juice. Nor is it a cocktail, elixir, potable, libation or tonic. It’s a drink, period. Beyond that, this Yeo character isn’t letting on. The can does boast that it’s an “Authentic Asian Drink,” so at least we know it wasn’t made by a bunch of Australian poseurs or something.

I’ve never eaten a lychee. I’m not even sure how to pronounce it. Frankly, I don’t want to know. What I do know is I felt like I was drinking a can of strawberry soda after leaving it open on the back porch overnight. I’m aware this drink isn’t carbonated. Yeo’s apparently isn’t aware that it should be. Gulping Lychee Drink is like mainlining the syrup they pour on a Hawaiian ice.

The Verdict

Yeo’s Lychee Drink gets a 3 out of 10, which is dangerously close to Diet Coke territory. Strangely enough, I’ve got a feeling combining the two would yield something tastier than the sum of its parts – not that that’s any real achievement, though.

A Far East Take on an Old West Drink: Hey-Song Sarsaparilla Drink

I grew up near Sioux City, Iowa, known for plane crashes, meat packing, and the sarsaparilla that bears its name. A good sarsaparilla is a tasty change-of-pace beverage, as fun to drink as it isn’t to type. But aside from lawmen in westerns, who drinks sarsaparilla anymore? Where can you even find it?

Apparently you have to go to the soft drink craftsmen of Asia. Hey-Song Sarsaparilla Drink is a, shall I say, interesting take on this olde thyme phosphate from Taiwan’s most olde thyme soda company. Just like Cheap Trick had to make Live at Budokan before they hit it big in the states, perhaps sarsaparilla’s sojourn to the Orient is a precursor to it overtaking cola as America’s soft drink of record. More likely, Hey-Song is a shining example of why sarsaparilla had to be exiled in the first place.

A Dental Fiasco

Of all the sodas from the far east, I figured Hey-Song Sarsaparilla Drink would be a pretty safe choice. I also assumed a drink loaded with sugar wouldn’t remind me of the dentist’s office. But Hey-Song disappointed me on both counts by mixing sarsaparilla’s traditional root beer taste with the cleansing flavor of Crest mint mouthwash. Only communists could make a beverage that destroyed your teeth while tricking your brain into thinking they were getting a fluoride bath. That’s like sitting through an entire NASCAR race and not seeing a single crash.

Recycling: The Final Solution

This has nothing to do with the taste, but I must point out the unfortunate Taiwanese recycling symbol. Somehow, doing a good thing for the earth isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.

The Verdict

Well, pardner, Hey-Song Sarsaparilla Drink gets a 4 out of 10. The best I can say about it is its Listerine aftertaste reminded me to brush the hell out of my teeth after I finished.